Journal 444: Lessons Learned in 2019

I started to write an end-of-year recap post months ago, and for some reason, every time I would try to add more, I would feel exhausted and exit out of it. 2019 was beautiful, refreshing, and painful. I intended to provide details, but I believe these points are self-explanatory.

• I ended toxic connections that were emotionally manipulative and abusive.
• I strengthened my friendships and gained new, magical ones.
• I grew to find power in uncomfortable conversations.
• I learned to trust my inner knowing.
• I struggled with forgiveness, and I learned that I still haven’t forgiven some people who have hurt me.
• I learned to be more vulnerable with myself and others.
• I overcame a lot of my fears.
• I experienced a lot of rejection.
• I overcame multiple dark periods.
• I learned to be a better friend to myself.
• I fell in love with my body.
• My control issues resurfaced.
• I struggled with balancing my mental and physical health.
• My pride and ego got bruised, over and over.
• I checked off all of my internal and external goals for 2019.
• I chose love.
• I chose myself.

2019 was an emotional rollercoaster but necessary for my growth. A lot of things and people had to be released from my life for me to receive new blessings. I’ve learned the importance of letting go, no matter how hard it is to do. There were times in the past when I felt like I was suffocating. I didn’t realize a lot of that had to do with me not taking the initiative to choose better for myself. I was putting everyone before myself, and it left me feeling empty. This year, I was able to show up for myself without feeling bad for my decisions. It was all worth it. I know that 2020 will be met with obstacles, and I’m thankful I have the tools and experiences to help me deal with them accordingly. I’m in a place where I trust myself, which eliminates the fear I had in uncertainty.

My overall goal for 2020 is to strive to be better. I want to be sure that I show up for myself. I wholeheartedly stick by the mindset that if I am creating room for me to grow, that everything will align with me. Everything that is mine already has my name on it. My only job is to do my part to be in a place to receive it, whatever that looks like.

Journal 444: Self-Sabotage Part I

Photo by Brigitte Tohm on Pexels.com

I made a commitment to myself that I would not engage in self-sabotaging behavior. Honestly, I’m still on this little journey of silencing my inner critic. I find myself thinking these thoughts will never go away, so I work twice as hard when addressing them. There are weeks when I’m my best self, energized, and optimistic. There are moments when I’m in a low headspace, and I give power to the negative voices, which often feels like a setback from the hard work I’ve put in towards my healing process.

During my dark moments, I feel like I’m undeserving of healthy connections. Although this feeling is very brief, it can cause me to limit myself or spend a lot of time contemplating when things will fall apart. I’m aware that this stems from the absence of my father. In a way, I find myself being a little grateful that it taught me to understand that not all relationships last forever. My views on attachment are very realistic. There are times when I interact with people and the smallest thing can trigger that feeling I felt as a child, and my views of the person will change. I’m still learning that everyone who triggers you is not trying to hurt you, intentionally, most of the time they don’t understand your past. It also helps you see that you have more work to do internally. It would be easier to take my issues out on anyone who has hurt me, but that will not change the fact that I have to work on releasing this pain. I don’t have all of the answers on how to heal from the absence of a parent because I’m still going through my journey. It’s important for you to understand that this will affect your relationships. The only thing I can do is remind you that you’re worthy of healthy relationships, no matter how many times people have made you believe otherwise.

There are a few things that currently work for me to help me balance my thoughts out when I feel like I’m losing:

• I leave sticky notes on my mirror filled with pep talks.
• Of course, the famous journal tip, which is useful for any personal growth. Mapping out what I want for myself and listing steps to achieve it and a great friend always tells me to give myself a deadline for these mini-goals.
• I keep notes on my phone listed as “words of encouragement” that loved ones and strangers have said to me. It’s a way for me to look back on positive things that people have poured into me because it’s so easy to forget the good when you’re going through low moments in life.
• I seek advice from my support system and strangers. I ask them what helped them get to where they are. I make sure I listen to people because I will always receive a message, it never fails.
• Meditation – I will always encourage meditation because it has been a huge lifesaver for me. It brings me back to reality. I will tell you about my experiences in another post.
• Exercise – It helps clear my mind.

Openly discussing your dark thoughts is hard and uncomfortable. I think when we hear ourselves say them out loud, reality sinks in that we are not healthy. Pretending you are healthy and trying to avoid your issues only creates room for self-sabotaging behavior.

To anyone who finds themselves in these high and low states, please take care of yourself. You can’t allow shame to block you from embracing your emotions. I will always be an advocate for releasing your emotions in a healthy way. Find new creative ways to help you through your process. I have different tools that help me in different seasons, and when something isn’t fulfilling you anymore, find another healthy tool.

I love you all.

Honoring My Emotional Boundaries

 

Showing up for yourself and showing up for others requires a healthy balance. When you’re an empath or highly sensitive, it seems impossible to ignore the emotional needs of others. I’ve spent most of my life trying to pour from an empty cup. I lacked balance, boundaries, and I wanted so badly to prevent others from feeling the things I felt, which is an unrealistic commitment. In doing so, I only ended up putting myself second.

I would set boundaries to protect myself but make exceptions for my loved ones. I would hesitate to have transparent conversations because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I would accept one-sided relationships. I would shift my needs to make others feel comfortable. I wouldn’t speak up in situations because I didn’t want to disrupt someone’s life or bring light to their abusive behavior. I allowed others to cause me to doubt myself and my instincts. I would always find myself having experiences where I didn’t feel seen or heard. As a result, I practiced poor communication skills. I was passive-aggressive. I chose not to speak up for myself because I was used to people being dismissive towards my feelings. I was avoiding having to listen to someone try to change my mind about my emotions, whether they were doing it to be manipulative or if they didn’t believe I was deeply connected with myself to notice things about them.

I had to figure out what self-love looks like for me. I didn’t want to continue to be complacent in unhappiness. I had to figure out the root of my issues, understand what my triggers are, and find acceptance in the fact that I couldn’t protect or control someone else’s emotions. I had to learn how to communicate my needs and not be afraid of the outcome.

Life became a lot less stressful once I started choosing me. I think we assume we will live a lonely life if we decide to stick to our boundaries, but it makes life feel lighter. I believe the most important lesson for me was realizing that I have to hold myself accountable and find new ways to handle emotions that have resurfaced. Life is truly an ongoing cycle of unlearning and healing.

You are Responsible for Your Own Well-Being

What would make your healing process easier? I notice we all have an excuse, or we find a way to blame others for our internal conflicts. Finding someone to blame is just a distraction so we can avoid accountability. I’ve learned the way to make your healing process easier is to completely commit to the internal work that needs to be done. People choose to suffer because they know they can survive in that space. The more I learn from others, the more I realize that it’s not that they do not want to grow, it’s that they are afraid of what will be revealed to them.

To really know yourself, you have to get comfortable with being alone. You have to sit in a room with your demons and confront them. You cannot be dependent on someone else to carry your pain or live the rest of your life playing the role of the victim. This does not mean your feelings are invalid, it just means you have to shift your perspective. Do you want your pain to have power over your life or do you want to figure out the lessons in painful experiences?

Here are four things that helped me throughout my journey:

Vulnerability

Allowing yourself to be completely vulnerable is an important part of your process. Once you find yourself accepting and embracing your emotions for what they are, you will find comfort in allowing them to be seen by others. When we do not allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we hinder ourselves from experiencing love, intimacy, and connection. It is not that someone else made you “cold-hearted”, it was your decision to allow one person to determine the amount of life to flow through you. We are here to teach and learn, we can only do that by allowing our truth to show. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you give yourself room to step into your power.

Forgiveness

The only way to take your power back is to forgive. This is something I struggled with for a long time. I thought if I forgave someone, it would create peace in their life and I did not want to give someone that satisfaction. I’ve learned that I cannot control the emotions others have to live with. Forgiveness is for self. I’ve learned that even if I forgive someone, they will not be released from that emotion until they forgive themselves. When we forgive others and ourselves, we release the attachment to the negative emotions formed against a person and a situation. This will create a clear mind for you to identify what’s happening when you’re revisited by a similar experience or emotion. We cannot understand the lessons we are meant to learn with built up anger and resentment because that’s all we see at the moment. Forgiveness is a gradual process and cannot be forced, you must identify, embrace, and accept the reality of what occurred. One way that truly helped me forgive is when I shifted my perspective.

Perspective

You have the power to change how you feel by changing your perspective. One of my greatest lessons was learning how to stop taking things personally. You have to remember to tell yourself that maybe this does not have anything to do with you. People who cause you pain are in the midst of fighting their own demons. When you do not get accepted, approved, hired, or even welcomed into someone’s life, maybe it’s not that there’s something wrong with you, it could simply mean that these things may not be a part of your journey. I believe we get so caught up in our own desires and need for control that we do not realize we are trying to work against divine timing. Life is constantly transforming, and we are meant to do the same so when we attach ourselves to situations as they were presented to us or how we think they should be, that is choosing to suffer. Be present where you are and find the lessons in that environment. Everything is meant to prepare you for your next season and if you spend your life looking at everything from one angle, you will never see the good in anything.

Love

Learning to do things out of love should be the ultimate goal. When we do things out of love, we do not have room to complain, to feel unappreciated, or to be disappointed. This does not mean that loving others unconditionally will shield you from those who will treat you poorly, it just means that you will not be met with disappointment when your love is not reciprocated. Unconditional love means not expecting anything in return. The love you send off will attract those who you are meant to help and those who love as freely as you do.

Practicing self-love will help you to see that carrying the pain of the past is only hindering you from receiving all you need to be your best self on this earth. Self-love is an eye-opener and once you get an ounce of the benefits, you will want to commit to evolving in your journey.

Please keep in mind when loving unconditionally to practice discernment and to create boundaries for yourself.

You are the only person who can stop you. There is no one in this world who can take away your love, your gift, and the ability to grow. Take your power back, spread your gifts, and plant seeds into the universe to help someone else.

I hope you receive this with love.

A Letter To My Younger Self

Dear Brianna,

When I made the choice to add meditation back into my routine, I did not expect to have visions of you. Sometimes I see you with your arms held out almost like you see someone coming towards you and you’re waiting to be embraced with a hug. Other times you’re sitting on the ground with your head held down playing by yourself and I can’t tell if you’re happy or sad. I’m sure there is no coincidence that my visions are always of you, so I decided to write you a letter.

I’m sorry I tucked you away. I tried to protect you and I never realized I abandoned you during the process. I never took time to nurture you, talk to you, or give you freedom.

I want you to understand that there is nothing wrong with you. You have a light that can break through any dark period, yet I hid it away due to my issues. I’m sorry I shut off our light. I allowed others to tear me down over and over. I spent my time worrying about what people thought about us instead of just being present. I allowed pride to get the best me and that hindered our growth. I’m sorry I spent all these years allowing us to live in fear, to feel insecure, and never taking the time to set healthy boundaries when necessary.

You’re beautiful. I’m sorry you got teased for having darker skin and I allowed it to follow us throughout our journey. You were always pushed aside, no one ever took you serious, and you always felt inadequate and defensive. You had to experience this as a child from people who looked like you, and now I have to experience it from other races. I’m sorry I couldn’t heal from this sooner. To be honest, I’m still working on healing from this and no matter how inadequate I feel I will never stop trying.

Your past does not define you. You’ve always wondered what was wrong with you because you had an absent father. I need you to know that his actions have nothing to do with you as a person. When I see visions of you holding your arms out, I imagine that is who you are waiting for and I need you to stop waiting, because I have.

You were always fed kind words from others but because you’re highly sensitive and did not know how to deal with this gift accordingly, you only gave your attention to negative words. I’m still learning how to look at things and people from a different perspective. Sometimes negative words put into the universe have nothing to do with you, it just means others have their own demons to work on. We all have made mistakes and projected our insecurities onto others at some point, let’s keep this in mind.

Things I want us to work on:

• You cannot control everything. There are things bigger happening in the world. Our feelings are valid but we cannot selfishly align everything to accommodate our feelings, out of fear.
• It’s okay to forgive. Forgiving others is not giving your power away, it is taking your power back. Release and let go of things that have harmed you. This is a necessary step for our healing process. I’m still learning to forgive and let go. When you fail to let go, it’s almost like drowning in that moment of hurt.
• Stop taking everything so personal. You matter but keep in mind that everything is not about you. If you ever encounter people with qualities that make you feel low, remove them. It’s quite simple.
• Stop looking for others to replenish you. Don’t have high expectations for others to treat you the same way you would treat them. Don’t rely on others to make you feel your best.
• It is possible to love unconditionally and have boundaries. Some people don’t deserve to have access to you. Learn to love from a distance.
• Stop being afraid of everything and trust that everything is as it should be.
• Learn to love your body.
• Learn to love yourself.

I want you to know that I’m releasing you forward, so we can heal together.

Love,

Brianna

I Need You To Understand That You’re Magical!

There are so many great things about you that your mind will not allow you to see. Its never too late to create healthy thinking patterns. Have you ever had an idea and you got so excited about it and then 30 minutes later you think “nah that sounds dumb, people wouldn’t buy that product…” that self-doubt will continue to take place as long as you allow it. Or you tend to compare yourself to others and feel like you wouldn’t be able to accomplish that goal because its “already been done” when in reality, there are things in you that another person doesn’t have. So stop comparing yourself to someone else. Stop doubting your creativity and ability to be successful in your craft. Stop placing limits on what you are able to do. Stop worrying about what others will think about your next move. You have a gift and its time to start using it. There could be two books about the exact same subject and if you read both I can bet you will gain knowledge from both of them, in different areas. Don’t doubt your ability to reach people who need to be reached. Your technique might be easier for someone else to follow.

In order to create more success, create positive thinking patterns. Make it a habit in your daily routine to be kinder to yourself. Nourish the broken parts of you. Start with things YOU are able to change. Talk to yourself, speak it out loud so you can hear your own voice say these kind words. Be consistent until you are able to check yourself when you feel the negative thoughts pop up.

Change your perspective when a disruption happens. Sometimes your plans are disrupted because there was something else greater for you. Our ideas and goals become our babies, we put so much energy into it and it failed. I understand how this could be heartbreaking and discouraging but guess what, you will have another idea and another opportunity. So you can spend a few hours sad about it (as you should) and start planning after your pep talk, or you can spend weeks dwelling on what didn’t go right. Use your failures as a tool to be a better you and to perfect your craft.

I want who ever is reading this to understand the importance of self-love. Once you work towards having that love for yourself, you feel unstoppable. You finally see YOU and your ability to overcome obstacles placed before you. You become more gentle with yourself. You are able to forgive yourself and others. You will do everything out of love and you will be a step closer to understanding how to love others unconditionally. Feed yourself with compliments the moment you wake up and before you go to sleep. Understand that there is so much love in you that needs to be poured out into the world and you will always be restored with more love.

I wish you the best!

 

4 Simple Self-Care Goals

Many times we push our well-being to the side. We are so focused on other things happening in our lives that we forget to take care of ourselves. I always recommend self-care days to people because we all deserve to feel at peace. I challenge you to try these healthy strategies to help improve your well-being.

Here are some ways to take care of you:

1. Plan out a self-care day. Write out a list of things you want to do that calms your spirit. It could be your favorite hobby or something you are interested in trying. Complete this list! This should not be a one time thing. In order to continue a healthy journey, plan one as often as needed.

2. Plan alone time. Separate from people and reconnect with yourself. If you enjoy nature, find a trail you like and explore. If you are a busy person and lost sight of your dreams, spend that time inspiring yourself. Quiet your mind, meditation helps with this. Find things that help you cleanse your mind from chaos, and enjoy you. Alone time helps us to find ourselves. It’s perfectly fine to be surrounded with people you love but you need a healthy balance between connecting with your inner self and spending time with your family/friends.

3. Nourish the mind, body, and soul. Be conscious of what you are putting into your body, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Sometimes we think we are taking proper care of ourselves when in reality, we are lacking something. You can start exercising but you may not be eating right. You can be growing spiritually but still keep certain things and people in your life who are draining you. Nourish all aspects of your life. Once you start putting effort into all areas, you will see a shift take place.

4. Speak good things over your life. Every time you think negatively cast out those thoughts and say something positive out loud. Tell yourself how beautiful and smart you are. You have to believe you are amazing and destined for greatness. Train your mind to think good and you will feel good.

During your process, keep a journal in hand to record the changes that will happen in your life. Write down the good and the bad. One day you will go back and read and see how much you have grown. Take things one step at a time and be patient with yourself.

Believe in you.

Writer’s Block

1.

the condition of being unable to think of what to write or how to proceed with writing.

It has been two years since I opened my personal journal or my notes in my phone to write poetry. At first I made myself believe that I just had writer’s block. Last month I finally admitted to myself that I was afraid to write. Most of my poetry was written during the dark times in my life, and I conditioned myself to pair the two. I am currently trying to break that mindset and write when I am in a good place and get back into healthy coping mechanisms.